An autistic woman has reported a perplexing phenomenon whereby, regardless of venue or cuisine, upon entering a café and waiting to be seated she will always be led to the table closest to amplified sound.
Paige Thomas, 28, reportedly initially put this down to coincidence, but is now beginning to expect that the cafés in her neighbourhood are part of a larger conspiracy to torture her for information by consistently plonking her under a Tannoy playing Queen: Greatest Hits II at 11am.
Thomas explained: “Seriously – it’s a pattern. I’ve experimented by trying to work from a different local café every day this week. The first was just playing Jazz FM at an unnecessary volume; the second seemed to have employed a kind of wedding DJ setup with U2 followed by Beyoncé followed by the Grease Megamix and the third place had me noting down the playlist out of genuine concern for whichever staff member had the aux. I Will Always Love You? TWICE? Immediate welfare check.”
“The only consistent factors are the unreasonable volume of the speaker and my location directly under it. I get a coffee, but the price is having my brain shaken up like one of the fish Darla from Finding Nemo tortures.”
Friend Kit McGodden, 25, commented: “I guess it’s just one of those facts of life, like how you always need to shit when you’re in a bookshop. It even happens when Paige chooses her own seat. The café magically rearranges itself to ensure there’s a speaker directly above her, pumping out George Ezra until she starts complaining that her blood feels like it’s made of bees.”
According to sources, Thomas has since taken to working from a park bench in a nearby council green space, but has somehow managed to find the only outdoor seating with a speaker overhead.
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