An autistic woman having sex can’t help but feel like a tailless amphibian, it has been rumoured.
Emma Bernard, 31, was reportedly trying not to get in her own head during a casual hookup with Ryan Wilkins, 36, but immediately realised her position resembled the corpse of a white-bellied creature she’d seen splayed out on the kerb.
Bernard said: “Look, sex with Ryan is great. I just feel like I’m starring in a BBC One documentary, and can hear Attenborough’s dulcet tones whispering behind the Tampax on my dressing table.”
“I’m just very aware of the bump of my stomach and my legs simply hanging out from under me, like the moist anatomy of an oversized toad.”
“Maybe I passed away in extreme weather conditions, or was tragically hit by a rogue ASDA van,” Bernard continued. “Maybe I left behind small froglings in a pond just half a mile away, who may never know of my fate.”
Wilkins then offered to switch, which unfortunately made Bernard feel like a great crested newt tucking into a mollusc.
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