The world has gone to shit because one autistic woman momentarily stopped doomscrolling on Bluesky, it has been confirmed.
Emma Bernard, 38, issued a statement today, admitting to “having an early night” when November’s US election results came in and taking full responsibility for the resulting age of fascism in which we now find ourselves.
Bernard said: “I really thought we had it in the bag, so I had a little lie down. By the time I woke up, he’d won Pennsylvania.”
“This is the Euro 2020 penalty shootout all over again,” Bernard continued. “If only I hadn’t gone for that ill-timed wee.”
“But I’ve learned my lesson now,” Bernard insisted. “Until bad things stop happening, I’m never sleeping or urinating again.”
Bernard was last seen slumped over her keyboard, snoring.
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