An autistic woman is opposed to letting off local fireworks for entirely selfless reasons, reports have indicated. 

Niamh McGodden, 25, from Allerton, has suddenly become invested in the welfare of ex-serving members of the military – and not just because she finds the sound of constant explosions a right pain in the arse when she’s trying to sleep. 

“I’m just thinking of all the war veterans,” said McGodden, who was really just thinking of herself. 

“In a way, I did go to war,” McGodden insisted. “Remember June 2006?” 

“You went to a summer fête at a catholic primary school,” friend Sarah Harrow, 31, said. “Those were water bombs. You were seven.” 

“And what about all the startled dogs that die from shock?” McGodden added, while taking shelter under her bed.

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