Tragic! Autistic woman meets all job requirements except sparkling charisma
An autistic woman who meets every one of a job’s specifications has been left dismayed to discover she also needed a PhD in ungodly amounts of charm, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 31, from Doncaster, has three degrees and almost a decade of relevant…
Maybe I should have talked about my special interest more, says autistic man ghosted by friend
An autistic man whose friend disappeared on him has been left wondering if perhaps he failed to sufficiently monologue at them about his current hyperfixation, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 45, only managed to deliver 19 multi-hour voice-note lectures about Star Trek Voyager to...
Gen X autistic woman has rare triple invisibility
Headline by Andrew Hickey An autistic woman born in 1975 has been diagnosed with the rare comborbid condition of being invisible three times over, it has been reported. Paula Mulberry, 49, used to be a fully corporeal human being, but since turning 40 has slowly...
Autistic woman who followed your profile by accident now in it for life
An autistic woman who accidentally clicked “follow” on your social media profile will never, ever, ever be able to bring herself to unfollow you, it has been rumoured. According to sources, Siobhan Moorton, 36, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, despite having no connection to...
Highly sensitive indigo child just glad she’s nothing like those autistics
A supernaturally gifted woman has expressed relief that her otherworldly powers can never be mistaken for something as mundane as autism, according to sources. Tricia Squire, 19, knows that her sensitivity to her environment and unique perspective on the world may seem like autistic traits,...
Autistic woman beginning to suspect spouse of 60 years has a thing for her
An autistic woman reportedly suspects she may have a secret admirer – the man she has been married to for six decades. Christine Smout, 84, caught her husband Anand, 81, sneaking glances at her across the kitchen table. She thought nothing of it at first,...
Streaming service that removed your autistic comfort show admits targeted attack
A streaming service that silently deleted your favourite autistic comfort series has admitted it was purely with the intention of pissing you off, it has been reported. The streaming service confessed: “We saw you restarting the same episode over and over every time things were...
Tragic! Autistic child will never be given chance to bully
An autistic child will never know the joy of being mean to someone for absolutely no reason, therapists have said. Seven-year-old Mary Walker has all the wit, bluntness and evil instincts of a top-tier bully, but experts say she is unlikely to ever fulfil her...
I’ll call you later, friend threatens
Your friend has threatened to call you on the telephone at an indeterminate point in the future, reports have claimed. “Friend” Kelsey Dacey, 36, reportedly issued the threat to call you “for a bit of a natter”, in what sources are calling “a naked act...
AuDHD woman enjoying Googling show more than watching it
An AuDHD woman is having a much better time looking up facts about the show she’s watching than she would if she was actually watching it, it has been rumoured. Kelsey Dacey, 28, reportedly watched the first five minutes of Severance, but immediately got distracted...
Autistic person who doesn’t normally go for conspiracy theories approves of Starmer’s plan to dim the sun
An autistic person who would usually be the first to debunk conspiracy theories would actually be curious to hear more about Keir Starmer’s plan to dim the sun, sources have claimed. Neuroscientist Jay Chester, 38, is reportedly quick to point out the logical flaws inherent...
Photo of solemn Victorian child revealed to be autistic girl at school disco
A recently uncovered image previously believed to have been taken in 1863 was actually captured at a British primary-school disco in 2003, experts have announced. The image, initially thought to be of a sickly Victorian child, actually depicts then-seven-year-old autistic girl Freya Emerson, reportedly...
Dentists weigh in: “You’re autistic because you don’t floss”
Dentists have spoken out against the myth that vaccines cause autism, instead claiming that a lack of flossing is to blame. Eli Port, 43, made the connection when they realised that none of their autistic patients were regular flossers – and swiftly published a paper...
