“You can unmask with me” says neurotypical who doesn’t realise you’re feral
A non-autistic friend who wants you to feel safe to unmask with them has no idea what they’re saying, it has been confirmed. Eli Port, 44, would like you to be comfortable enough to be your true self – but is reportedly unaware that your…
Autistic woman just assumed everyone was consuming media critically
An autistic woman has made the foolish and illogical assumption that other people consume media critically instead of taking everything at face value, it has been claimed. Megan Aldrich, 33, was shocked to discover that, despite a long history of debunked headlines, Snopes-worthy urban legends...
Autistic man humblebragging forgets to do the “humble” part
An autistic man attempting to slip a sneaky little brag into an otherwise self-deprecating statement has completely fucked it, it has been confirmed. Gavin Monks, 45, reportedly intended to do a thing he’d read about called “humblebragging”, but instead skipped straight to the bragging bit....
Pregnant autistic woman can use her birth plan as a coffee table
An autistic mother-to-be has produced a birth plan so substantial that it has been temporarily repurposed to furnish her home, sources have claimed. Avery Mann, 25, has written a document outlining her preferences in every possible scenario – and quite a few impossible ones. At...
Autistic woman asked where it hurts gestures vaguely at entire life
An autistic woman asked to describe the source of her pain has no idea where to begin, it has been reported. Miya Wilkes, 29, called an ambulance after suffering a fall at home. When paramedic Avery Mann, 39, arrived on the scene and asked her...
Uh oh! AuDHD man finds someone polite enough to be captive audience
An AuDHD man is reportedly “chewing the ear off” a new acquaintance who’s too nice to simply wander off like everybody else does. Mac Wheatley, 38, was delighted to find himself seated next to Anand Trivedi, 46, at a mutual friend’s wedding, after Trivedi proved...
Shock! Autistic woman’s mother hasn’t commented on diet, clothes or lifestyle yet
An autistic woman’s mother has aroused shock and suspicion after going five minutes without a single comment about her daughter’s life choices, eyewitnesses have claimed. Natasha Weaving, 34, met her mother Christine, 65, for brunch, expecting all manner of commentary on her hastily thrown-together outfit,...
Every parent’s worst nightmare! Could your child be neurotypical?
Autistic parents have been warned to be vigilant for signs that their child could be afflicted with Neurotypical Spectrum Disorder, or NSD. Speaking in front of a parliamentary group, paediatrician Liz McHodge, 45, explained, “The causes of NSD are not yet fully understood. Some people...
Autistic woman with alibi for murder still thinks she may have somehow committed it
An autistic woman, who was miles away and surrounded by witnesses at the time of a recent strangulation murder, still thinks the immense weight of guilt and shame crouching gargoyle-like on her soul could be related to the crime, it has been reported. Beth Hapworth,...
Autistic and ADHD friends realise they have never retained a single fact about each other
A pair of lifelong friends have recently realised they know almost nothing about each other thanks to their autism and ADHD, it has been reported. Ben Espenson, 24, who is autistic, and Naveed Azkhat, 25, who has ADHD, harbour a great deal of affection towards...
“What if I’m not really autistic?” asks world’s most obviously autistic woman, constantly
An autistic woman is boring the ever-living fuck out of her friends and family by relentlessly questioning her own diagnosis, sources have claimed. To put her doubts to rest, Paige Thomas, 39, underwent a rigorous diagnostic assessment with clinical psychologist, Graeme Hart. This consisted of...
Autistic child enlisted for sports day
An autistic child forced to take part in a savage and ruthless battle called “sports” has zero idea that this may cost him his future, according to reports. Eight-year-old Robert Noot, has been put forward for a series of barbarous duties against his will, armed...
Autistic woman prefers direct communication unless she has to do it
An autistic woman who would prefer for others to deliver difficult truths to her without any ambiguity would also rather die than say a single stressful thing directly into another person’s face, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 38, who needs clear and direct communication...
