Outlier! Newly diagnosed autistic woman has no plans to write memoir
A woman who very recently discovered she is autistic has today made the shocking announcement that she has no imminent plans to write an autobiography. Siobhan Moorton, a white middle-class woman who was diagnosed as autistic last month at the age of 30, has defied…
Wait for me! Conversation moving on before autistic woman is ready
An autistic woman has been left devastated after having watched a conversation galloping away from her before she felt able to contribute with a witty response, eyewitnesses have reported. Miya Wilkes, 32, from Ormskirk, was far too busy planning the perfect moment to insert a...
Autistic woman “doesn’t know” why she always sounds “sarcastic”
An autistic woman reportedly has “no idea” why everything she says sounds like “sarcasm”, even when she’s being “sincere”. Emma Bernard, 29, told reporters that she has always had this “problem” but the harder she “tries” to inject genuine enthusiasm into her “voice”, the more...
World falls apart after autistic woman takes eye off timeline for one second
The world has gone to shit because one autistic woman momentarily stopped doomscrolling on Bluesky, it has been confirmed. Emma Bernard, 38, issued a statement today, admitting to “having an early night” when November’s US election results came in and taking full responsibility for the...
Autistic woman agonising over croissant pun or painfully sincere Valentine’s card
An autistic woman is reportedly debating between a seriously unfunny joke or an earnestly heartfelt Valentine’s Day card, it has been rumoured. Beth Hapworth, 32, from Elton, has spent three hours and 42 minutes despairing in the stationery aisle of her local Tesco Express, due...
Autistic man having shutdown in art gallery mistaken for Rodin’s The Thinker
A man having an autistic shutdown in an art gallery has been mistaken for Auguste Rodin’s The Thinker, sources have revealed. Naveed Azkhat, 32, became overwhelmed at the busy, brightly lit gallery and decided to rest on a chair in one of the exhibition rooms...
Agoraphobic autistic woman rebrands as mysterious recluse
An autistic woman with a debilitating fear of leaving her house has managed by cultivating a reputation for herself as a notorious recluse, it has been rumoured. Sarah Harrow, 37, who only leaves home to go to the GP or take out the recycling, has...
Autistic woman playing hard to get holds off texting crush for agonising four minutes
An autistic woman attempting to appear cool and unattainable has reportedly restrained herself from texting her crush for an agonising four minutes (if you round up from three minutes 51 seconds). Miya Wilkes, 26, put a number of measures in place to ensure she didn’t...
Autistic chef adds salt and pepper to instant noodles
An aspiring autistic chef has attained culinary perfection by grinding a little salt and pepper on a packet of mild-curry-flavoured instant noodles, according to reports. Ellie Mulligan, 26, from Cheadle, who only recently discovered her talent for serving herself four-minute meals for one, is now...
New autistic acquaintances in dangerous game of oversharing chicken
A pair of newly introduced autistic acquaintances have entered a perilous standoff over who will be the first to reveal they’re actually a little freak, it has been rumoured. Ever since they met in an online autism group two weeks ago, Emma Bernard, 27, and...
Autistic girl speaks out on dramatic sleepover exit: “I just liked my own bed”
An autistic woman has confessed to leaving a sleepover in 2007 due to preferring to sleep in her own bed, sources have confirmed. Paige Thomas, from Liverpool, who was 12 at the time, said: “I pretended that my parents were worried. In actual fact, I’d...
Miracle! Autistic woman answers “how are you?” and barely mentions explosive poops
An autistic woman whose colleague politely enquired about her well-being has somehow responded without going into traumatic detail about last night’s poop attack, it has been rumoured. Paige Thomas, 32, was greeted by in the usual manner receptionist by Jack Harrington, 26, when she arrived...
“I have autism” announces Cthulhu
A gigantic entity worshipped by cultists, Cthulhu, has announced that he is evil because he has autism. Cthulhu, described as “a monster of vaguely anthropoid outline, but with an octopus-like head whose face was a mass of feelers, a scaly, rubbery-looking body, prodigious claws on...
