They didn’t have autism in my day, says man unaware he had autism in his day
A man who claims that nobody had autism “in his day” is reportedly unaware that he both had autism in his day and that the sun has not yet set on his day. Gavin Monks, 65 – who books his car in for regular services…
Science! Autistic person discovers solving one anxiety spawns 14 new ones
An autistic person has made the groundbreaking discovery that resolving the source of one anxiety causes at least 14 new ones to pop up, like adding water to a Gremlin, it has been announced. Eli Port, 41, made the breakthrough after their boss asking them...
Autistic woman attempts to move in to cat café
An autistic woman has been apprehended by staff at a cat café after attempting to live there permanently, sources have claimed. Megan Aldrich, 30, arrived at Purrfect Paradise in Basingstoke with four large suitcases and 17 houseplants. In an effort to blend in with the...
Autistic woman totally dyes hair blue to piss off incels
An autistic woman has revealed that she mostly dyes her hair blue in order to annoy basement-dwelling dweebs who think women can’t be autistic. Niamh Callaghan, 27, reportedly likes her blue hair, but not as much as she likes being the physical manifestation of an...
I changed your safe food recipe, admits Satan
The devil has admitted that he quietly changed the standard recipe of your favourite ready meal just to ruin your life. In a statement released today, Lucifer, 13.7 billion, took responsibility for turning your delicious, creamy mac and cheese with a sexy golden brown crust...
Friend still fuming at you for skipping her birthday drinks shares autism awareness post
Your neurotypical friend who was seething at you for days for prematurely leaving her social gathering has just reposted a touching Instagram story honouring autism awareness, according to reports. Lottie Fitzgerald, 26, shared the infographic of a lone puzzle piece captioned, “really important to be...
Eccentric dad has “no idea” where you got your autism from
Your dad, the most singularly unique individual you’ve ever met, reportedly has no idea where you got your autism from. Perhaps best known for helping to bring you into the world, your father owns seven identical shirts, shouts at people for eating crisps within earshot,...
Tragic! Autistic woman meets all job requirements except sparkling charisma
An autistic woman who meets every one of a job’s specifications has been left dismayed to discover she also needed a PhD in ungodly amounts of charm, it has been reported. Paige Thomas, 31, from Doncaster, has three degrees and almost a decade of relevant...
Maybe I should have talked about my special interest more, says autistic man ghosted by friend
An autistic man whose friend disappeared on him has been left wondering if perhaps he failed to sufficiently monologue at them about his current hyperfixation, it has been rumoured. Dexter Livingstone, 45, only managed to deliver 19 multi-hour voice-note lectures about Star Trek Voyager to...
Gen X autistic woman has rare triple invisibility
Headline by Andrew Hickey An autistic woman born in 1975 has been diagnosed with the rare comborbid condition of being invisible three times over, it has been reported. Paula Mulberry, 49, used to be a fully corporeal human being, but since turning 40 has slowly...
Autistic woman who followed your profile by accident now in it for life
An autistic woman who accidentally clicked “follow” on your social media profile will never, ever, ever be able to bring herself to unfollow you, it has been rumoured. According to sources, Siobhan Moorton, 36, doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, despite having no connection to...
Highly sensitive indigo child just glad she’s nothing like those autistics
A supernaturally gifted woman has expressed relief that her otherworldly powers can never be mistaken for something as mundane as autism, according to sources. Tricia Squire, 19, knows that her sensitivity to her environment and unique perspective on the world may seem like autistic traits,...
Autistic woman beginning to suspect spouse of 60 years has a thing for her
An autistic woman reportedly suspects she may have a secret admirer – the man she has been married to for six decades. Christine Smout, 84, caught her husband Anand, 81, sneaking glances at her across the kitchen table. She thought nothing of it at first,...
