Autistic woman delighted to discover feigning period still gets her out of sports
An autistic woman has discovered that faking your period to get out of sports still works years after secondary school, according to sources. Ima Onwugbenu, 39, was recently invited to play squash by her work colleague, 35-year-old Ryan Wilkins. Worried she’d be talked into it,…
All shoes and socks entirely bad and bare feet also not great, study confirms
Researchers have confirmed long-held suspicions that there are no good footwear options and that having feet in general is just not ideal, a new study has revealed. The study surveyed all known garments and items that can be used to cover one’s feet, concluding that...
Solicitous question leads to existential dread
A perfectly innocent question has led to the complete unravelling of an autistic man’s sense of self, it has been claimed. Anand Trivedi, 32, was reportedly minding his own business, sitting quietly and contemplating unresolved maritime mysteries, when he was cruelly dragged from his favourite...
Autistic woman deep in rehearsals for non-standard food order
An autistic woman is preparing for the performance of a lifetime as “a customer who would like something slightly different from the menu”. Pippa Durham, 31, visits her local cafe every Saturday for a tea and an almond croissant. She first fancied a cappuccino nearly...
First autism study to take place without any autistic people called a “bloody relief” by researchers
A groundbreaking new autism study has reportedly taken place without any autistic people involved at all – to the relief of its researchers. The study, entitled “Why are they like that?”, seeks to investigate the causes of autism as conjectured by the highly opinionated loved...
Helpful! Autistic woman discovers that “on-the-job training” means throwing you to the wolves
An autistic woman’s first job has ended in disaster after she discovered that “on-the-job-training” means chucking you in the deep end without so much as a pair of inflatable armbands, sources have claimed. Mary Walker, 20, started her first job a week ago at Lenny’s Burgers...
Autistic woman somehow manages to make cervical smear test even more awkward
A “pioneering” autistic woman has managed to take a social interaction in which a stranger takes a deep-dive into one’s genitalia and make it even more stressful, sources have confirmed. When Lottie Fitzgerald, 38, entered the clinic room for her routine cervical screening appointment, she...
Autistic child prodigy absolutely dunking on his talentless sister
An autistic child prodigy has successfully learned six languages, commenced his studies at NASA and inspired middle-aged Facebook aunts everywhere – and totally owned his comparatively mediocre sister, sources have said. Parents Karen and Robert Hapworth, had reportedly dreamed of having a little prodigy to...
Autistic man neglects to plan conversation in advance, experiences literal Christian hell
An autistic man who routinely plans his conversations well in advance decided to ditch the habit of a lifetime “to see what it was like”, landing him in a Biblical underworld of Christian hell, sources have revealed. Lloyd Didcot, 32, took the unusual step to...
Life hack! Autistic woman paints target on her back to save time
An autistic woman has decided to cut out the middleman by painting a bullseye on her back so everyone knows who to target, it has been reported. Freya Emerson, 31, reportedly grew tired of people having to find out she was autistic before shitting on...
Only sober person at party celebrates no longer being the worst at picking up on social cues
An autistic person who has opted not to use alcohol as a social lubricant has reportedly discovered a new benefit to sobriety: enjoying unprecedented social success at a party full of drunk people. Mac Wheatley, 27, was recently invited to their very first social gathering...
Autistic woman unmasks by swapping morning coffee for a nice mug of custard
An autistic woman has been hailed as “inspirational” after ditching coffee in favour of a beverage which better reflects who she is as a person, sources have revealed. Talia Cohen, 33, drank coffee in the mornings because everyone else seemed to be doing that, so...
Neurotypicals unable to accept spooky season is over fill sky with jump scares
Non-autistic people already missing spooky season have reportedly decided to extend it by filling the sky with terrifying, unpredictable jump scares and calling them “fireworks”. Neurotypical spokesperson, Karen Hoyland, 54, explained: “Spooky season is traditionally understood to be an autistic custom, but that’s actually a...