“Amateur hour” says autistic woman celebrating Pancake Year
An autistic woman has branded neurotypical Pancake Day celebrations “a pathetic effort,” in an exclusive interview. Megan Aldrich, 29, is so dedicated to Shrove Tuesday that she also celebrates Shrove Monday, Shrove Wednesday, Shrove Thursday, Shrove Friday and Shrove Saturday, year-round, without a break. “Technically…
Autistic woman tries her luck with “Let’s leave it until after Pancake Day” email
An autistic woman is reportedly hoping her “let’s leave it until after Pancake Day” suggestion will successfully discourage unwanted work requests. Despite having recently returned from Christmas leave, Emma Bernard, 29, from Stockport, is said to be looking forward to “a well-deserved break” over what...
Autistic woman’s best version of herself is The Sims version of herself
An autistic woman has been distraught to discover that the best version of herself only exists within a life-simulation video game, it has been announced. Sarah Harrow, 24, from Nantwich, boasts to prospective employers that she owns three properties, five Birthday Hot Tubs and has...
Trust your gut? Autistic woman’s intuition feels pretty much the same as generalised anxiety disorder
An autistic woman told by her therapist to “trust your instincts” is reportedly struggling to discern her instincts from her debilitating anxiety disorder. Alma Montague, 34, could be holed up indoors with the curtains drawn because of her irrational terror of the outside world –...
Support dog helping autistic person cope with neurotypical family
A support dog is transforming the life of an autistic person by helping them cope with their neurotypical relatives, it has been reported. Barclay – a three-year-old Labrador retriever – helps Jay Chester, 18, endure the trials and tribulations of living with a family that...
Autistic toddler hitting all developmental milestones realises she’s inadvertently fucked it
An autistic toddler who has hit all of her developmental milestones on time has realised she may have unintentionally shot herself in the foot. Lottie Fitzgerald, three, displays a number of typical autistic traits – although her attempts at mimicking neurotypical communication have completely fooled...
Woman wishes she was in fact less aware of eating disorder this week
An autistic woman would love to be less aware of her eating disorder during Eating Disorder Awareness Week, it has been reported. According to sources, Natasha Weaving, 33, from County Durham, would quite like to exchange the constant calorie-counting monologue in her brain for a...
Autism assessment questionnaire designed to personally attack you
An autism assessment quiz has reportedly been designed to obliterate your sense of self worth – yes, you, specifically. The questionnaire, which is supposedly meant to indicate whether or not you’re autistic, is actually out to roast every flaw you’ve ever been insecure about. Dr....
Lest we forget! Autistic woman begins fifty-two minute silence during haircut
An autistic woman has commenced a sustained silence at her biannual trip to the hairdresser, eyewitnesses have said. Sarah Harrow, 31, from Dingle, claims to have taken the period of silent contemplation as “a mark of respect”, and definitely not because she struggles with awkward...
Fifth exclamation mark successfully compensates for social skills
A fifth exclamation mark has successfully masked an autistic man’s social awkwardness, it has been confirmed. Ryan Wilkins, 34, who struggles to compose work emails without sounding like a regency gentleman challenging a rival to a duel, recently decided that five exclamation points were the...
Autistic woman accused of bullying just trying to flirt
An autistic woman accused of picking on her crush was actually attempting to seduce him with witty banter, it has been rumoured. Niamh Callaghan, 26, has defended her behaviour towards Ben Espenson, 28, on the grounds that she was “doing a bit”. Callaghan explained: “All...
Impressive! Autistic woman with EDS forms never-before-seen pose at yoga class
An autistic woman with the connective tissue disorder Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome has debuted a brand new pose at a yoga class that nobody asked for or knows how to handle, according to reports. Ffiona Maw, 32, from Carlisle, reportedly heard screams from the surrounding women in...
Kinky! This autistic woman fantasises about earning a living wage
An autistic woman has confessed to frequently fantasising about making enough money to survive, sources have claimed. Certified freak Paige Thomas, 28, becomes extremely aroused whenever she imagines herself in a position of relative financial stability. Her most perverse fantasies include having a roof over...
