You can have your ADHD medication, but only after completing a series of increasingly complex and life-threatening challenges, your pharmacist has announced.
According to private online pharmacy NoMeds4U, their new system is designed to prevent abuse, while giving you the rare opportunity to obtain your medication within three to five working years.
Pharmacist / bridge wizard, Balaphon the Malevolent, 1356, explained: “Oh, I’ll give you your Elvanse prescription. All you have to do is write a three-thousand word rhyming poem in iambic hexameter, which solves the problem of man’s inhumanity to man – after that, I might let you into the flaming maze.”
“If you can get past the moving walls, angry fire demons and the trapdoors into the pit full of radioactive shark-piranhas, you will then enter the Chamber of Poor Choices, where you’ll have to have a long, hard think about every bad decision you ever made and the specific consequences those choices resulted in for the people around you.”
“If you still feel you even deserve your meds after that, you’ll get to speak to me, the great wizard Balaphon the Malevolent, who will challenge you with three riddles. One wrong answer and I will curse you so it permanently feels like you’ve got sand stuck to your entire body and all the various orifices that entails. Should you get all three right, you will then be handed a fortnight’s supply of Elvanse, before having to return the way you came, but walking backwards. See you in two weeks – if you remember! Muahahahahaha!”
Faced with the choice between this new system and trying to get your meds through the NHS, you reportedly sighed, picked up a pen, and asked: “do you know a good rhyme for ‘theodicy’?”
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