A woman who identifies with every element of the autistic experience based on a lifetime of living in her own brain and body is “not qualified” to say she’s actually autistic, experts have claimed. 

Paige Thomas, 38, who has extreme sensory aversions, is exhausted by social interactions and cries when balloons pop unexpectedly, still needs someone who knows what they’re talking about to validate what’s bleeding obvious to anyone who’s paying attention. 

Autism specialist, Dr. Karen Hoyland, explained: “Autism is a very serious condition that causes sufferers horrific symptoms, like an extreme fixation on social justice, intense interests and resting bitch face.”

“You can’t just go around diagnosing yourself willy nilly,” she continued. “If everyone did that, the grift would be over.”

She added: “Now fill out this self-assessment form and fork over £2000.”

Thomas said: “I really thought I was autistic based on everything I’ve read, all my friends being autistic and the fact that when someone rings the doorbell I drop to the floor like I’m in a bank robbery. But I guess I’ll find out for sure in three years when I finally get an NHS appointment.” 

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